Question:
“My last girlfriend was extremely manipulative and I never saw it coming. She had me twisted around her little finger until her every whim was met and then she dumped me. I’m really worried I’ll attract another girl like this, what do I need to look out for?”
Answer: “Thank you for this excellent question. Many-many kind, nice guys suffer from the same situation when they are overly nice to their girlfriend just to get nothing or hardly anything in return.
Your worries are reasonable. If you once get involved in a manipulative relationship you have a good chance that you will attract another one; until you don’t understand the reasons and act against them.
We have some personality traits which serve as magnet for manipulators.
For example:
The people pleasing habit.
When the approval is way too important for you.
If you fear from the negative emotions, therefore you avoid conflict.
If you don’t know how to stand up, assert your rights.
Or if you feel guilty when you say no.
If you are not sure about who you are and where your boundaries are.
If you are not 100 % sure about your judgment and opinion.
Or if you think that our lives are basically influenced by outside factors like friends, family of destiny rather than our own choice.
These personality traits serve as magnet for manipulators because they sense that they can exploit the person with these traits.
Recognize the pattern in the long term relationship if it begins like a manipulative relationship!
At the start it seems like enthusiastic. You feel like all of your needs are fulfilled. Then, after a couple of months a transition period is coming, when you feel yourself criticized, judged. From this point on you would do whatever it takes to get wonderful beginning back. And this is the point when the manipulator controls your behavior.
If your girlfriend wants to know too much, too soon about you especially if she want to know about your weaknesses. Watch out for guilt trips, victim games, if she doesn’t take responsibility. Watch out for lies, if she behaves differently before and in the back of the others, and if she generally wants to take more than to give.
Personality Traits that make us Vulnerable:
- People pleasing habit
- Approval is over-proportionally important
- Fear from negative emotions
- Conflict Avoidance
- Blurry Self “Who am I actually?” – Fluid Boundaries
- Low Self Reliance – “I don’t know! I’m not sure!”
- Believing that the control is outside anyway
Red Flags in a new relationship:
- At the start it is enthusiastic, you feel all of your needs are fulfilled. After a transition period you feel yourself criticized, judged
- Your girlfriend (boyfriend) wants to know too much, too soon about you, especially about your weaknesses
- Guilt Trips
- Victim Games
- Not taking responsibility for actions, decisions, feelings
- Lies
- Behaving differently before and in the back of others
- Take more than give
