The “One and Only” does exist?

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In my opinion, this concept is the product of western civilization which assumes that you simply have to find your “true love”, progress your way through to the wedding ceremony; then you are primed to live “Happily Ever After”. The main emphasis is on the choice: you choose “The Right One”, later in the courtship you might be confronted with complications, but undoubtedly everything will quickly turn into roses at the “I do.”

The opposite can be found in other cultures. For example, in India the respective parents arrange marriages sometimes even as early as childhood. The future couple doesn’t meet until the wedding. Once accomplished, they have a life time to fall in love with each other. Interestingly – or understandably? – However, their divorce statistics are much lower than ours.

These two approaches represent the two sides of a successful relationship.

On one hand, you have to choose A right person whose personality, values, expectations complement yours. In the long term, you can be sure you will meet a few people who can be a good candidate in spending your life with. If you inadvertently missed one, or lost another, it is not the end of the world – maybe the end of a trial period. It can be truly painful and worthy of grieving. Loving and being in a relationship is rather about ability: if you had it before, you have a good chance to create it next time as well. If you haven’t had a relationship before, there is genuine hope!

On the other hand, in any relationship you need to adjust to the other person. No true love exists (after the Honeymoon) where the other party has no fault, no mistake, or no annoying traits. Here comes the acceptance, common sense evaluation and adjustment. Is this annoying custom or trait important enough to mention and generate discord? Is it something which might be changed over time, or there is no other way but accept and move forward?

In some people’s opinion, a marriage is when I decide to tolerate the other one’s bad traits for a lifetime. Maybe!

How will you know if you choose well? When you only have to be more acceptant and develop skills to resolve issues? When you happen to choose wrongly, the best thing to do is to break up?

Listen to your feelings: does your partner make you feel good about yourself? Does s/he support your dreams, your hobbies, your friends, or your development? After an open conversation, do you feel strengthened as a result? If it is true, it is worth expending major efforts to make the relationship ongoing.

But if your partner makes you feel inferior, little, stupid, never good enough; if your opinion is always wrong, if you feel weakened after a conversation, you don’t feel appreciated: don’t even try to change anything! “Run, run, run as fast as you can…” -
Find someone who is able to love and appreciate you!

All in all: find the best fit from a few, and make the connection work! It could be this Valentine or one in the future. It doesn’t really apply if you have 20-30-40 years to discover that special one!





By the way: The WISE LOVE Program can be tremendous help in both sides as it was designed for working out the process of choice with details and supporting the adjustment with practical guidance.

Check out and Sign Up if you need more help!

You can have WISE LOVE!

How can I justify my love?

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Attention, acceptance and acknowledgment is the natural way of showing our love. However, it works best in symmetrical relationships. Before you commit to justify your love by giving more and more of them or with other investment, examine thoroughly what kind of relationship you are in!

Read the full article in “TASK”




Revealing Emotional Manipulation

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I have no doubt about that we are all affected: parents, partners or the salesman in the door sometimes try to get us doing something, what we wouldn’t like to. Then comes the pressure and the arguments referring arbitrary external rules:

“A good wife do it for her husband!”
(Really? Which good wife for which good husband and who set that rule for whom?)

Or: “If you love me you …”
(Really? Is there only one way of showing my love?)

Or, my recent favorite:
“If someone doesn’t give (money for charity in the classroom) the others have to give more!”
Really? Why? They decided to give, which is “I want”, not “I have to”. Their “want” has nothing to do with others “want”, but surely cannot mean that the “others have to” either! But of course my main argument is what lays behind without words: “If you don’t give for charity; you are greedy!”
So you take me to the guilt trip to harvest my money…

Every time, when you begin to feel that uncertain sensation in your stomach; that someone makes you feel guilty, ashamed or ignorant when you don’t behave “As you’ve been told.” or “As you are expected.”
(Note! Even the way how they express it decline any responsibility of wanting you doing something.) You might be suspicious: do you want to manipulate me?

If you know that feeling and would like to be a bit more prepared next time, I suggest the next presentation to you!




How to keep our New Year’s Resolutions

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With the New Year upon us, are you one of the people who decided to make some changes in your life? Also, are you one of us whose big resolutions haven’t been fulfilled in previous years?

What makes a Resolution achievable?

• Realistic Goal
• Measurable Actions
• Proportionate Evaluation

A Realistic Goal is the first step towards accomplishing anything significant. If you establish a goal too low, it is way too easy to achieve. As a result, you expend minimal effort or you don’t feel like you accomplished anything. If the goal is set too high, it might become too stressful in the process of achieving it. It might be too tempting to give up with the overwhelming feeling it’s unattainable and out of reach.

If you are an introvert with few friends and a flat social life, you might decide to open up in the New Year and figure out some fun way of having more interaction with people. However, it’s not reasonable to expect yourself quickly turning into a weekly partygoer.

Measurable Actions are the heart of the process and most of the time these are missing from the repertoire of those who abandon their resolutions. I’ve heard people expressing their desire of being more organized this year, being a better parent, a better spouse, becoming more patient or less stressed out. But, in reality, how is this accomplished?

This is the part where you have to be more thorough and break down the vague desire onto measurable action. What would you do differently – and how often?

If you want to be more organized, you have to decide in which area of your life you want to see changes; home, schedule, appearance…? Once done, you need to figure out what actions do you need to take and how often; designate house cleaning once a week, buying an organizer and keeping track of the assignment on a daily basis, or creating a stricter schedule of the housework or other task weekly. Write it down, and monitor it on an ongoing basis.

Do you want to be a better parent? Which way? Do you want to be more attentive to your child? OK. Make a pledge that you will listen to his/her full story without interruption. Listen attentively to what s/he tells about the silly games they played, the hurt what s/he suffered and not just the official school stuff with homework performance and the teacher’s notice. I know! Sometimes what is important for them is completely indifferent for us. Imagine! What is important for us is completely indifferent for our children! Still, we want to stay in contact with them, don’t we? Count it! How many stories could you listen entirely to in one day? How many times did you reject listening in the name of the laundry, in the name of cooking or the shopping? (I know you have house work too!)

Do you want to be more understanding with your children or spouse? How can you measure it? When you feel like you have to roll your eyes as the sign of rejection or you are just about to say what an idiot the other party is, quickly stop yourself! This is your momentary evaluation (maybe before you would know all the circumstances). Suspend it and listen to what the other says and feels! Try to imagine yourself in his/her place! Without judgment, try to understand why s/he got into this situation in the first place. You might not react the same way in the same situation. It is nothing to judge about it, we are all different. You can count how much disapproval you drew back and changed into understanding by focusing on listening. Give yourself a tally when it was successful and another one with another color when you fell back to your old negative habit.

You can also count encouragement, approval or simply the positive initiatives from your part.

You can decide to give some small kindness every day or one substantial weekly.

Proportionate Evaluationis necessary to stay in touch with reality.

If you ate one piece of cookie, it doesn’t mean the diet is over! (“I am a big failure!”) No! You kept the morning diet, you didn’t eat a snack before noon, you resisted the temptation at lunch, didn’t have a snack in the afternoon, but Uuups! In the evening you ate a cookie! You succeeded throughout the day – at least four times if not more, and had one failure. It is at least 80% achievement! 80% is acceptable almost everywhere; in school, in an exam, in your job! Be proud of it!

If you decided to lead a healthier lifestyle and you exercised every weekday and you left one out – it is not the end of the world! This week you accomplished 80%. Reflect what’s happened why you weren’t able to accomplish that day in order to prevent it happening again! Go back to exercise the next day and try to keep your original schedule the following week!

But in any case; diet, exercise, being organized, being attentive, being understanding; think about it! Even if you reach only 50% of your original resolution, it is way better than giving up or even not having any transformation in your mind! Even if you achieve 30-50%: you’re the winner with that percentage!

Keep up the good work!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!




Why does Christmas seem so difficult sometimes – and how acceptance can save it?

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No matter which culture or religion, this time of the year when the days are the shortest as well as the coldest, we all want to withdraw ourselves into our cozy den and feel the warmth of our “tribe”: warmth of the body and warmth of the soul.

In your childhood, do you recall how you could hardly wait until Christmas arrived! As adults, we also have huge expectation for the miracle of love to come to us! This is it what we yearn so much for. Is this absence of love that makes the celebration difficult? Probably not!

We work, we shop, we spend, we prepare, and we are all overly excited. Unfortunately, when the big day of the family gathering arrives; tension relentlessly stalks us. Then it hits: “You burnt the food…” “You couldn’t even decorate the tree nicely…” – you did this or that the wrong way.

But it was not even what was said that caused pain, but rather the manner in how it was delivered: with the little grimace near the nose, with suppressed irritation in the voice, with rolling of the eyes. Everything whispers: “You are not good enough!” – As a result, we feel rejected, belittled and perished. Depending on one’s character, a fraction of a second later we are angry towards the person who caused the pain or we are severely depressed with the repressed anger.

I can safely assume that you have compiled a list of these types of hurts of when someone made you feel like a faulty, unskillful or useless person. I am sure you can recall the shame and the unworthiness that you felt, as well as the feeling of utter disappointment over the ruined Holiday atmosphere.

Can we investigate the same from your side? –Sorry for the inconveniences; but it is worth it! You might recall incidents when you behaved the same with your loved ones.

I am truly sorry it happened, but I confess I have been guilty upon occasion. Only afterwards, I realized how it truly hurt their feelings.

If you can remember these kinds of happenings, I’ve got three pieces of good news to share!

-You are one of the brave one who is able to face their mistakes! Congratulations!

-You can practice acceptance over imperfection first hand on yourself! You don’t have to be perfect, you can have mistakes, and you can forgive yourself afterward! (A little atonement always helps.)

-But this is the best: if you realized that you contributed somehow to an inconvenient situation, it places the control in your hand to immediately cease it!

What’s the main thing missing? It’s not the love! We criticize our loved ones with more rejection than we criticize strangers!

It is the ACCEPTANCE that is missing!

We don’t have to be perfect, and our loved one doesn’t have to be perfect in order to be loved! Every human being is full of great characteristics as well as glaring weaknesses. No one is perfect, and no one is expected to be perfect. Excellence, especially, cannot be the condition of love!

And if you ACCEPT this idea, you can be relieved from stress. If you accept yourself altogether with your inherent flaws, then it is easier to accept your family member altogether with their flaws.

It doesn’t matter if your aunt doesn’t have a good taste in dressing, it doesn’t matter if your uncle is not the best handyman, and you can forgive if your partner was not able to find the perfect gift for you!

Even if you mention one or the other mistakes they make, you can make it with an acceptant tone in your voice, full of affection. It is the rejection that hurts, and acceptance makes negative comments tolerable.

You might be the one to initiate a new tradition: you might be generous – psychologically – and save your reproaches from encroaching upon your surroundings. You might discover followers in the process!

Finally if you absorbed this suggestion, you already know: If you forget about it during the Holiday fuss and make some nasty remarks – it is also OK. You can accept Christmas season together along with its mistakes too!

Be ACCEPTANT towards your loved ones and choose to relax!

ABOVE ALL ELSE, ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS!




How to keep my unfaithful partner?

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Are you about to lose your partner? Do you suspect or actually know that he or she has had an affair or is engaged in one presently? Oh, my! I don’t envy you: this is one of the most difficult, shaking – upsetting feelings! It makes us so vulnerable, and leaves us feeling so belittled and betrayed. There is so much anger that we could rant and rave.

At the moment you might not be sure if you want to keep your partner or break up. For a grounded decision I suggest that you attempt to separate the galloping feeling from your sober mind. Consider what could be in the background? What could be the reason for it?

It is possible that the reason has nothing to do with you but solely rests inside your partner’s character. Perhaps s/he is able to resist everything except for temptation. Maybe s/he needs to prove his/her attractiveness by seducing the other gender. Whatever it is, it is outside of your control, so only you can decide if you will put up with that or leave.

On the other hand, the reason can lay in the relationship within. Something is missing or not working well, and the infidelity can serve as a communication about this problem. If this is the case; at least try to understand what your partner wants to say about it!

First of all, no matter how hard it is: you better put aside all your trembling feelings and open your mind for comprehending what the unfaithfulness means? What is it instead of?

But when you are in a fury, you are not in the proper mental state to recognize connections. I’ve seen husbands raging about his wife’s infidelity and were not able to hear his wife quiet complaint about her not getting enough positive attention, support and approval from him.

This is why I suggest separating emotion from rationality for a little while and reflect about the situation!

Do you pay enough attention to your partner?
Do you give adequate support?
Do you understand his/her feelings?
Do you know and do you approve his/her dreams, goals?
Do you unconditionally accept him/her and do you express that?
Do you acknowledge his/her contribution to the workplace, to your finances, to the housework, to the family, to the emotional stability?
Do you express your love to him/her?
Do you spend time together with joyful activity?
Do you share your feelings with him/her?
Do you have a satisfactory sex life? – Does the other think it the same way?
Do you accept each other’s differences?
Do you talk about your conflicts respectfully?
Are you able to apologize for mistakes and disrespectful comments?
Are you able to forgive after an apology?

Naturally, the list is longer than that: think about it, and ask for details. What is s/he missing? What did s/he get from the third party that s/he didn’t get from you?

But the hardest point: LISTEN! HEAR! PROCESS!

It is so natural for all of us to jump into the defensive mode when we hear something inconvenient about ourselves! Have you detected it yet?

We deny: “I didn’t do that!” “It wasn’t that way!”
We correct: “It wasn’t because of that!” “It didn’t happen that Saturday!”
We blame the other: “Yes, because you made me angry!” “Yes, because you did it first!”
We avoid the responsibility: “She told me to do it.” “You did it too!”

Familiar? Don’t be ashamed! It’s instinctive. We defend ourselves in case of critique, it doesn’t matter if it is rightful critique or not. The biggest disadvantage is that in this way we are preoccupied with our “counterattack” and not the other’s point.

Try this: set a time interval for your partner for that long, while you are able to hear difficult things (e.g. in what is the third party better than you…) without interruption. Maybe quarter of an hour, maybe half. Ask you partner about his/her feeling, opinion or the reason. Listen to it. Don’t answer! Don’t protect yourself. Just think about it for a day or two. After that, if you still have something to say, say it respectfully.

If you reached the point you cannot stand it anymore, just say it’s too hard now. You want to stop here, and leave – to the other room; for a walk alone – and think about it. You may cry or exercise or do anything (healthy) what helps you to regulate the painful feelings. But the point is to understand your partner’s feelings and the reason of infidelity. Don’t let yourself sidetrack from this.

What I expect from this thorough investigation is that you understand in a deeper level what was happening around you, and with this insight you can better decide:

1: Is this relationship worth enough to work for or not?
2: What can I do to prevent this kind of crisis in the future?

Best wishes!



What to do with relative’s nit picking during Holidays?

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“Stop it! I don’t like it!”

The holidays are rapidly approaching. We are all getting more excited as well as more afraid: what will my mother, father, aunty, or uncle do or say in the family gathering? What if they criticize my new flat, hair, boyfriend, job or cooking? What if they remind me all over again about my childhood mistakes? What if they question all my current decisions? Will we end up quarreling as we did last time?

How can they find my most sensitive spots? How could I possibly stop them?

In Montessori Schools, teachers teach the new preschoolers: If the other children do something that you don’t like, just tell them: “Stop it! I don’t like it!” They learn it quickly, and easily use it to prevent their peers from annoying them.

As adults, if someone generates trouble, we usually try to convince them they are not right. We prove that the story they told did not happen the way they recall. We deny that we did what they shared because of the reason they said it. We swear that the other made the first step, we only replied. Actually we argue about the content of what they say.

Why are we bothered by those opinions at all? Usually, it is not because of the content but mostly because we assume or unconsciously feel that they might want to show they are more superior than we are. They might want to seem cleverer than we are. They might want to control. They might want to lecture us by pointing out our mistakes. The point is not what we are talking about, but the way they are acting dominantly towards us. This is what we really don’t like!

Although better understanding their hidden intentions is worth knowing, our own sensitivity about certain stories or approaches is even more valuable. Holidays are not the best time for those clarifications. Let’s leave it for some other time!

This time it is better to avoid unnecessary confrontations. How? If someone finds your weak point and reminds you about it; if someone pushes your button, if you feel the sudden burst of hurt and anger coming up inside you: Don’t argue, don’t fight back! With a firm, neutral voice, simply declare: “Stop it! I don’t like it!”

Tell me if it worked!



How to get over a break up?

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Going through a romantic break up can be a very hard and painful experiment. We have to work ourselves through plenty of painful feelings, new discoveries about ourselves and the other. We have to rebuild our life and activity pattern without our ex partner. Every each step is one more difficulty for our worn out soul. But exactly this is what makes us more knowledgeable, tough and wise. This helps to create our own independence and self-worth. How? Read the article in HMG!

How to get over a break up?
 

Is it OK for divorced couple to get back together?

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Divorce is such a painful and difficult event; it stirs up so many emotions. Among others we can be hit by doubt: is it OK to get back together or not? The answer depends on the underlying feelings: if it is led by the appreciation, love or belonging, then why not to give another chance. But if the desire is revenge or self-esteem rebuilding, or any other negative emotion, it can make more harm than good.

Want to know more details?

Read the full article at HMG!

HMG: Divorced couple back together?